My Top 5 Reasons Why Luke Wilson Got Fat.

You've probably seen Luke Wilson's ads for AT&T new Map Campaign.  You don't get quite the view you need to understand exactly how much weight Wilson has put on, but holy God has he put on a ton of fucking weight!  This is why Wonderbread and I will be giving you our Top 5 Reasons Luke Wilson Got Fat.

Starting from the bottom up:

5 - He, very much like his brother, has emotional distress over his successes and his failures.  Except that Luke eats and Owen does drugs.  So as you can see, Luke hasn't been doing all that great.  What was the last good movie you remember him in?  Now he's doing fucking phone commercials!  I'd feel pretty awesome if I were doing phone commercials, but all I've ever done were a couple pornos where I was an extra.  You might remember me from Pole Patrol 5.  I played "Indie-Nerd College Student".

4 - He's gained his weight for what his agent calls "career winter".  Right now he's not doing much.  Consider his AT&T ads a form of hibernation.  There isn't nearly as much range of emotion and there's just a whole lot of standing and uh... standing I guess.  He literally needs this weight to survive.  Many actors who don't store enough fat before their hibernation don't make it through their "career winters".  When was the last time we heard from either of the Olsen twins?  Huh?  They're either fat or they're dead.

3 - He's gaining weight for a new role in a film.  Which film?  I don't know.  I don't follow Luke Wilson's career much farther than his newest commercials.  Here are some of the guesses I have though, on who he will be portraying in a straight-to-TV biographical film:
 - John Goodman
 - President William Howard Taft
 - John Candy
 - Chris Farley
 - The Numa Numa kid

2 - He's fattening himself up for what is to become "The Great Uprising of the Mundane Peoples of America".  That's right, the normies are going to take over and reverse the natural order of the world.  The good looking people will no longer be famous.  Those with talent will no longer top the charts.  Instead of being thin and attractive, models will now truly represent the majority of americans.  Actors and comedians will now be comprised solely of high school talent show losers, of which only the worst of the worst move forward in their careers.  "What will happen to the famous people?" you ask.  Well the creative types will still do what they do, except that you'll never see them do it in front of people.  Musicians will now only write music to be played at local college open-mic nights, and musical performers who don't write their own music will start doing porn or whatever the fuck this amalgamation of stage performance and pornography is.  What will happen to the average celebrities?  Well they will be the cream of the crop.  Not too attractive or talented.  Not amazing and not terrible, they will be allowed to remain in their place or mediocrity.  Luke should be careful, though, as the fat ones will be cooked and served at McDonalds, where most former celebrities can find work.

1 - Luke Wilson is going to die.  That's right.  He's got nothing left to live for, so why not live a little on your way out?  He's letting himself go.  He's not going to kill himself, not at all, but he's just facing the inevitable drug overdose or hooker/pimp murder he will decidedly have.  He's already on his way out of the limelight.  He's doing what you could call the nicotine patch of celebrity, and slowly working down ladder of fame.  Soon he'll be selling you gold investment packets or 99.25% APR loans.


 - PWT