A Biographical Profile of Lucky the Leprechaun

  As we all know Lucky Charms are the second luckiest cereal in the world, right next to Rabbit Feet Sweets.  We aren't focusing on the cereal, though, we're here to talk about Lucky the Leprechaun.

  With humble beginnings as a Forest Sprite, Lucky quickly rose through the ranks of mythological creatures and even had a stint as a movie monster.  It was after Lucky Charms redesigned their box that they decided just a bowl without a mascot wouldn't quite work.  Lucky the Leprechaun was a sure fire thing with his name being Lucky and all, beating out other Lucky Charms mascot hopefuls such as Danny Bonaduce and Carrot Top.


  Lucky was a hit!  He was hocking multi-colored sugar and sweetened cardboard to children all across America.  Lucky Charms was so successful with their mascot that they increased their number of shapes periodically.  Rainbows in 1992, pots of gold in 1994, leprechaun hats in 1996, and a whole bunch of other shit that makes no fucking sense.

  Hard times eventually hit, though, and Lucky was forced to endorse the "Magic Door" marshmallow.  Lucky didn't feel like it would be fair to let children think that their milk could unlock doors, especially after several children were involved with locked magical door deaths.  As time passed Lucky had to promote other marshmallow shapes he felt didn't truly represent the Lucky Charm brand.  Some of these included:  a rabbits foot, ladybugs, and chinese red lanters.  The latter being mostly because of Lucky's racism towards the chinese.

  Hard times hit eventually, when Lucky was replaced by Lupe the Leprechaun.  Following allegations that he had been "murdering people for stealing his gold"   caused his television commercial career to never really begin.  This is when Lucky had to start doing infommercials.  Starting with the "Clam Wow!", a device which was used to perfectly boil clams and his most recent "Slap Mop" which involved releasing aggression during household cleaning.

  During his downfall, Lucky developed a drug and sex addiction.  The last anyone has heard of Lucky was his run in with a prostitute, in which there was a dispute over a pot of gold not being an acceptable form of currency.  This led to a physical altercation and both were arrested shortly after.  Photos of Lucky after the event were leaked.

  Nothing else has been heard of since his run in with the Pac-Man of hookers, but maybe, just maybe, this year will be his lucky year.

- PWT

The Transformation of Luke Wilson

You might be wondering why PWT and I are concerned with some actor's weight. You may think we are wasting our time and energy dealing with a subject usually covered by supermarket tabloids that has absolutely no bearing on our livelihood.  You might believe this list only adds to the nefarious obsession of American pop culture with celebrity body image currently fueling networks like VH1.

In most cases, you might be right. However, this is Luke Wilson. If you aren't concerned, you aren't human. Here are my five reasons for his weight gain.



5) Luke Wilson has taken to a strict diet of sports drinks.

It's got the stuff that plants crave!

4) NBC has offered Luke Wilson $100 million to be a contestant on The Biggest Loser.
NBC is dealing with possibly the largest PR fuck-up of the coming decade.  They have allowed Jay Leno to win a second late-night feud over a superior host while ostracizing millions of viewers who, once he is out of contractual obligation, will follow Conan to Fox and leave NBC with only the fat, aging, Bible Belt audience that enjoys Leno's headline jokes. The late-night fiasco is only one of a series of mistakes made by the network in recent years (Keenan Thompson on SNL is another that comes to mind), and NBC is clearly in need of a ratings boost.

 Enter: Luke Wilson on the Biggest Loser.

3) Luke Wilson wants to become the world's greatest belly flopper.

Everyone knows slim, hip actors make the worst belly floppers.  Luke Wilson is a competitor at heart (just ask Owen). Nothing will stop him on his quest to empy Lake Superior with his splash.  

2) Luke Wilson wants to support the arts in public schools.

The recession has wreacked havoc on state budgets across the nation, forcing legislators to make cuts. Unfortunately, education has been a victim of efforts to reduce spending, and, while infinitely more valuable to the development of a child's mind, the arts are often the first to go at schools trying to keep a football program going.  Aghast at the possibility of future generations unable to recreate the globe via paper mache, Luke Wilson decided to reinvent himself as "Luke Wilson: Molder of Minds".  He now spends his time, when not whoring himself to AT&T, visiting inner-city schools and lending his belly as a medium for children to paint a rendition of the Earth upon.

And now, the number one reason Luke Wilson has put on weight.

My Top 5 Reasons Why Luke Wilson Got Fat.

You've probably seen Luke Wilson's ads for AT&T new Map Campaign.  You don't get quite the view you need to understand exactly how much weight Wilson has put on, but holy God has he put on a ton of fucking weight!  This is why Wonderbread and I will be giving you our Top 5 Reasons Luke Wilson Got Fat.

Starting from the bottom up:

5 - He, very much like his brother, has emotional distress over his successes and his failures.  Except that Luke eats and Owen does drugs.  So as you can see, Luke hasn't been doing all that great.  What was the last good movie you remember him in?  Now he's doing fucking phone commercials!  I'd feel pretty awesome if I were doing phone commercials, but all I've ever done were a couple pornos where I was an extra.  You might remember me from Pole Patrol 5.  I played "Indie-Nerd College Student".

4 - He's gained his weight for what his agent calls "career winter".  Right now he's not doing much.  Consider his AT&T ads a form of hibernation.  There isn't nearly as much range of emotion and there's just a whole lot of standing and uh... standing I guess.  He literally needs this weight to survive.  Many actors who don't store enough fat before their hibernation don't make it through their "career winters".  When was the last time we heard from either of the Olsen twins?  Huh?  They're either fat or they're dead.

3 - He's gaining weight for a new role in a film.  Which film?  I don't know.  I don't follow Luke Wilson's career much farther than his newest commercials.  Here are some of the guesses I have though, on who he will be portraying in a straight-to-TV biographical film:
 - John Goodman
 - President William Howard Taft
 - John Candy
 - Chris Farley
 - The Numa Numa kid

2 - He's fattening himself up for what is to become "The Great Uprising of the Mundane Peoples of America".  That's right, the normies are going to take over and reverse the natural order of the world.  The good looking people will no longer be famous.  Those with talent will no longer top the charts.  Instead of being thin and attractive, models will now truly represent the majority of americans.  Actors and comedians will now be comprised solely of high school talent show losers, of which only the worst of the worst move forward in their careers.  "What will happen to the famous people?" you ask.  Well the creative types will still do what they do, except that you'll never see them do it in front of people.  Musicians will now only write music to be played at local college open-mic nights, and musical performers who don't write their own music will start doing porn or whatever the fuck this amalgamation of stage performance and pornography is.  What will happen to the average celebrities?  Well they will be the cream of the crop.  Not too attractive or talented.  Not amazing and not terrible, they will be allowed to remain in their place or mediocrity.  Luke should be careful, though, as the fat ones will be cooked and served at McDonalds, where most former celebrities can find work.

1 - Luke Wilson is going to die.  That's right.  He's got nothing left to live for, so why not live a little on your way out?  He's letting himself go.  He's not going to kill himself, not at all, but he's just facing the inevitable drug overdose or hooker/pimp murder he will decidedly have.  He's already on his way out of the limelight.  He's doing what you could call the nicotine patch of celebrity, and slowly working down ladder of fame.  Soon he'll be selling you gold investment packets or 99.25% APR loans.


 - PWT