Introducing...MAD MEN RECAPS!!!!

Hey,

It's been a while since I've posted. Sorry. I have another, more relevant CBA post pending.

Anyway, my favorite TV show, Mad Men, just aired its latest season debut tonight, and I want to write about it! Hopefully, any potential readers from PWT's adventures on Empire Avenue (I stopped playing on that site a while ago) are also fans that might appreciate these posts. If not, well, this is just a way to personally keep track of what is going on in this fourth season. This won't be strong commentary, per se; rather, I'd like this series of posts to establish a running dialog with others.

Mad Men stuff (SPOILER ALERT) after the jump!

Curry

  I attempted to make curry very recently with near success.  I made it twice in two days, which some would say is pretty rough on the colon.  Let me just confirm that.  

  The first attempt involved tofu.  Now let me explain tofu to those who have never really experienced it fully.  It's like nothing-flavored gelatin.  I had foolishly purchased the firm tofu, expecting it to be (you guessed it) firm!  It was nothing of the sort.  It was shakier than a parkinson's patient going through heroin withdrawels trying to get a thread through the head of a needle.  Needless to say the texture was less than satisfying.  "Why is this called firm tofu?",  I asked myself.  Well there is extra firm tofu, which apparently is actually firm.  So the scale of tofu goes:  Soft, Firm, and Extra Firm.  What ever happened to medium?

The next funnest part of cooking curry was the coconut milk.  Fuck coconut milk.  Seriously.  When it says on the can that it seperates it doesn't go into detail how there is a pure liquid underneath a solid inch of white clay.  Mixing the coconut milk back into a viscocity worthy of curry took a lot of churning and quite a bit of spilling all over the fucking place because I'm mixing coconut clay with coconut water in a tiny god damned can.

Once that was figured out it was mostly smooth sailing.  Until I ate it.  The tofu was absolutely awful.  It was like eating ass fat.  That's exactly the texture than I imagined it would be most like.  It crumbled needlessly into smaller and smaller bits until all it was just soup in my mouth.  I also bit down on a huge chunk of chutney, which was pretty awful.  They don't tell you that the chunks of fruit don't taste nearly as good as the rest of it.

Overall my first attempt was sub-par, but my second attempt was much better.  I'm unskilled at cooking meat currently, so I didn't put any meat in.  Next time will see the introduction of some poultry, and more coconut milk for a thicker sauce.

This has been Plain White T with Cooking with CBA

Me too!

I am on Empire Avenue as well!


EAVB_SHAIMZVPCG

Holla atcho boy!

-Wonderbread

Empire Avenue

EAVB_GHDUPEDCHD

That's the code that the online social networking/virtual stock market site has asked me to place into a blog post to verify that I own this mother.

I've been pretty anxious to get in on this game.  I've been waiting a while indeed to be accepted into the beta, so I'm excited to start trading people... moreso than I do now.

The Destruction of the United States of America

On Friday, March 19, 2010, the United States House of Representatives passed a bill bringing unprecedented change to American healthcare by extending basic health coverage to more Americans than ever before; in a sense, establishing the foundation of a citizen's right to access basic health services without fear, obstruction, or discrimination. This has made many, many Americans happy.  Almost as happy as my dog, Steve:

As you can see, Steve suffers from a pre-existing condition known as toocutetobootitis, or, in layman's terms, "OOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPY!!!!!!!!!"  As a result, Steve has never been able to get insurance, and he has lived in constant fear of the strong stroke of a child sending him to the emergency room.  He used to tell me all the time, "WonderBread, I demand universal healthcare for dogs! I need to be covered! I am far too precious to go to Mexico for a basement operation by a damn chimicanguahah!"(Sorry, my dog's a racist)  If you were curious what a chihuahua surgeon might like, here is a guy I met in Tijuana who claims to be a doctor:

 
Now, I don't blame Steve for not wanting to have that guy perform surgery on him.  In fact, he's probably the last thing I'd want touching me with a scalpel, and trust me, there are plenty of things I want touching me with a scalpel (Hello, Scarlett Johansson!).  Unfortunately for Steve (and those other happy Americans), our politicians proved myopic once again.  In no way can this health care reform--let's call it Socialism--sustain this great nation.  It isn't just a violation of your Constitutional rights. It isn't just an unfeasible financial burden.  No, this bill is much more than that.  It is doomsday. Revelations. FUCKING ARMAGEDDON!

You see, friends, this healthcare bill is just the first in a chain of coming travesties.  Sure, it might seem fine at the moment; however, it will soon be summer.  Children will be playing, mother's making lemonade, father's mowing the lawn.  All of these activities take place outside.  Do you know what else takes place outside? Yeah, you guessed it: Skunk stink bombs!  Eventually, a boy and his dog will lose the tennis ball they were playing catch with, and the dog will go sniffing around in the bushes (hehe) for the ball.  Let's call this dog, I don't know, Rackba Bamao. Rackba Bamao will stumble upon a skunk, and that skunk will spray him.  Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal. The boy would simply give Rackba Bamao a tomato juice bath, and that will be that.  Unfortunately, the family of the boy is too poor from being forced into purchasing health insurance and cannot afford the tomato juice.  Sick of being stinky, Rackba Bamao does not take the matter lightly:

Soon, permanent skunk smell is stuck on many, many dogs with owners too poor for the insurance.  As a charismatic little pup, Rackba Bamao organizes these dogs into a liberating force aimed at destroying the recent legislation.  Since they are only dogs, they don't know how to do this legally, so they decide to take up arms:

Suddenly, the human race is fucked.  Dogs with guns? We don't stand a chance! Fortunately, we have a little help from our friends/enemy of the dog, the cat:

But it is of no use. The dogs are simply too powerful for the cat-human team, largely because cats are way too fucking crazy to be trusted with weapons (there are many friendly casualties in this affair).  The dogs rule the world. Humans are done, and its all thanks to our new healthcare bill.

Thank, Democrats.

-Wonderbread

Armageddon

Armageddon by Plain White T

Super Bowl Diary

Hey,

As promised, here is a recreation of the hand-written journal I kept yesterday. It alright, but I wish I had written a little more down. By the 4th quarter, I had pretty much lost all interest in writing about the game.  Predictably, my handwriting was chicken-scratch after half-time, and I managed to get wing sauce all over the paper, a copy of Sports Illustrated, shorts, and my leg.  It doesn't stop there, either; right before I went to bed, I started to eat pie straight from the pan with my hand. I was disgusted.

Anyway, here is the journal.

Unrequited Love: The Tale of Toucan Sam, Part 1

Hey,

Sorry I didn't get a post in yesterday; I was too lazy to hike up to the computer lab last night after doing some homework.  Your patience will not go unrewarded, however. As a condolance to your disappointment, I will do a very special post next Sunday.

If you were unaware, next Sunday is Super Bowl Sunday. For real sports fans, it is the greatest celebration of American sport and athleticism (I will talk about this later). This Sunday is a treasured day on my annual calendar, one in which I embrace sloth and gluttony with a happy drunken stupor. Any effort made on my part, therefore, must be worthwhile and consequential of a prior commitment.  It is out of this commitment to you, dear reader, that my I will put forth an effort on my most lethargic day of the year. For my post, I will record everything I do from the moment I wake up to my inevitable pass-out. I will then post my scribbling (or a summary of it) here Sunday night or, more likely, Monday.  I have no idea how it will turn out, but I'm sure there will be plenty of thought on hot wings, player mockery, and the Ranch Room.

Anyway, that was a bit winded.  If you follow the jump, you can find a weird note I found in my Froot Loops box.

-WonderBread

A Biographical Profile of Lucky the Leprechaun

  As we all know Lucky Charms are the second luckiest cereal in the world, right next to Rabbit Feet Sweets.  We aren't focusing on the cereal, though, we're here to talk about Lucky the Leprechaun.

  With humble beginnings as a Forest Sprite, Lucky quickly rose through the ranks of mythological creatures and even had a stint as a movie monster.  It was after Lucky Charms redesigned their box that they decided just a bowl without a mascot wouldn't quite work.  Lucky the Leprechaun was a sure fire thing with his name being Lucky and all, beating out other Lucky Charms mascot hopefuls such as Danny Bonaduce and Carrot Top.


  Lucky was a hit!  He was hocking multi-colored sugar and sweetened cardboard to children all across America.  Lucky Charms was so successful with their mascot that they increased their number of shapes periodically.  Rainbows in 1992, pots of gold in 1994, leprechaun hats in 1996, and a whole bunch of other shit that makes no fucking sense.

  Hard times eventually hit, though, and Lucky was forced to endorse the "Magic Door" marshmallow.  Lucky didn't feel like it would be fair to let children think that their milk could unlock doors, especially after several children were involved with locked magical door deaths.  As time passed Lucky had to promote other marshmallow shapes he felt didn't truly represent the Lucky Charm brand.  Some of these included:  a rabbits foot, ladybugs, and chinese red lanters.  The latter being mostly because of Lucky's racism towards the chinese.

  Hard times hit eventually, when Lucky was replaced by Lupe the Leprechaun.  Following allegations that he had been "murdering people for stealing his gold"   caused his television commercial career to never really begin.  This is when Lucky had to start doing infommercials.  Starting with the "Clam Wow!", a device which was used to perfectly boil clams and his most recent "Slap Mop" which involved releasing aggression during household cleaning.

  During his downfall, Lucky developed a drug and sex addiction.  The last anyone has heard of Lucky was his run in with a prostitute, in which there was a dispute over a pot of gold not being an acceptable form of currency.  This led to a physical altercation and both were arrested shortly after.  Photos of Lucky after the event were leaked.

  Nothing else has been heard of since his run in with the Pac-Man of hookers, but maybe, just maybe, this year will be his lucky year.

- PWT

The Transformation of Luke Wilson

You might be wondering why PWT and I are concerned with some actor's weight. You may think we are wasting our time and energy dealing with a subject usually covered by supermarket tabloids that has absolutely no bearing on our livelihood.  You might believe this list only adds to the nefarious obsession of American pop culture with celebrity body image currently fueling networks like VH1.

In most cases, you might be right. However, this is Luke Wilson. If you aren't concerned, you aren't human. Here are my five reasons for his weight gain.



5) Luke Wilson has taken to a strict diet of sports drinks.

It's got the stuff that plants crave!

4) NBC has offered Luke Wilson $100 million to be a contestant on The Biggest Loser.
NBC is dealing with possibly the largest PR fuck-up of the coming decade.  They have allowed Jay Leno to win a second late-night feud over a superior host while ostracizing millions of viewers who, once he is out of contractual obligation, will follow Conan to Fox and leave NBC with only the fat, aging, Bible Belt audience that enjoys Leno's headline jokes. The late-night fiasco is only one of a series of mistakes made by the network in recent years (Keenan Thompson on SNL is another that comes to mind), and NBC is clearly in need of a ratings boost.

 Enter: Luke Wilson on the Biggest Loser.

3) Luke Wilson wants to become the world's greatest belly flopper.

Everyone knows slim, hip actors make the worst belly floppers.  Luke Wilson is a competitor at heart (just ask Owen). Nothing will stop him on his quest to empy Lake Superior with his splash.  

2) Luke Wilson wants to support the arts in public schools.

The recession has wreacked havoc on state budgets across the nation, forcing legislators to make cuts. Unfortunately, education has been a victim of efforts to reduce spending, and, while infinitely more valuable to the development of a child's mind, the arts are often the first to go at schools trying to keep a football program going.  Aghast at the possibility of future generations unable to recreate the globe via paper mache, Luke Wilson decided to reinvent himself as "Luke Wilson: Molder of Minds".  He now spends his time, when not whoring himself to AT&T, visiting inner-city schools and lending his belly as a medium for children to paint a rendition of the Earth upon.

And now, the number one reason Luke Wilson has put on weight.

My Top 5 Reasons Why Luke Wilson Got Fat.

You've probably seen Luke Wilson's ads for AT&T new Map Campaign.  You don't get quite the view you need to understand exactly how much weight Wilson has put on, but holy God has he put on a ton of fucking weight!  This is why Wonderbread and I will be giving you our Top 5 Reasons Luke Wilson Got Fat.

Starting from the bottom up:

5 - He, very much like his brother, has emotional distress over his successes and his failures.  Except that Luke eats and Owen does drugs.  So as you can see, Luke hasn't been doing all that great.  What was the last good movie you remember him in?  Now he's doing fucking phone commercials!  I'd feel pretty awesome if I were doing phone commercials, but all I've ever done were a couple pornos where I was an extra.  You might remember me from Pole Patrol 5.  I played "Indie-Nerd College Student".

4 - He's gained his weight for what his agent calls "career winter".  Right now he's not doing much.  Consider his AT&T ads a form of hibernation.  There isn't nearly as much range of emotion and there's just a whole lot of standing and uh... standing I guess.  He literally needs this weight to survive.  Many actors who don't store enough fat before their hibernation don't make it through their "career winters".  When was the last time we heard from either of the Olsen twins?  Huh?  They're either fat or they're dead.

3 - He's gaining weight for a new role in a film.  Which film?  I don't know.  I don't follow Luke Wilson's career much farther than his newest commercials.  Here are some of the guesses I have though, on who he will be portraying in a straight-to-TV biographical film:
 - John Goodman
 - President William Howard Taft
 - John Candy
 - Chris Farley
 - The Numa Numa kid

2 - He's fattening himself up for what is to become "The Great Uprising of the Mundane Peoples of America".  That's right, the normies are going to take over and reverse the natural order of the world.  The good looking people will no longer be famous.  Those with talent will no longer top the charts.  Instead of being thin and attractive, models will now truly represent the majority of americans.  Actors and comedians will now be comprised solely of high school talent show losers, of which only the worst of the worst move forward in their careers.  "What will happen to the famous people?" you ask.  Well the creative types will still do what they do, except that you'll never see them do it in front of people.  Musicians will now only write music to be played at local college open-mic nights, and musical performers who don't write their own music will start doing porn or whatever the fuck this amalgamation of stage performance and pornography is.  What will happen to the average celebrities?  Well they will be the cream of the crop.  Not too attractive or talented.  Not amazing and not terrible, they will be allowed to remain in their place or mediocrity.  Luke should be careful, though, as the fat ones will be cooked and served at McDonalds, where most former celebrities can find work.

1 - Luke Wilson is going to die.  That's right.  He's got nothing left to live for, so why not live a little on your way out?  He's letting himself go.  He's not going to kill himself, not at all, but he's just facing the inevitable drug overdose or hooker/pimp murder he will decidedly have.  He's already on his way out of the limelight.  He's doing what you could call the nicotine patch of celebrity, and slowly working down ladder of fame.  Soon he'll be selling you gold investment packets or 99.25% APR loans.


 - PWT