The Transformation of Luke Wilson

You might be wondering why PWT and I are concerned with some actor's weight. You may think we are wasting our time and energy dealing with a subject usually covered by supermarket tabloids that has absolutely no bearing on our livelihood.  You might believe this list only adds to the nefarious obsession of American pop culture with celebrity body image currently fueling networks like VH1.

In most cases, you might be right. However, this is Luke Wilson. If you aren't concerned, you aren't human. Here are my five reasons for his weight gain.



5) Luke Wilson has taken to a strict diet of sports drinks.

It's got the stuff that plants crave!

4) NBC has offered Luke Wilson $100 million to be a contestant on The Biggest Loser.
NBC is dealing with possibly the largest PR fuck-up of the coming decade.  They have allowed Jay Leno to win a second late-night feud over a superior host while ostracizing millions of viewers who, once he is out of contractual obligation, will follow Conan to Fox and leave NBC with only the fat, aging, Bible Belt audience that enjoys Leno's headline jokes. The late-night fiasco is only one of a series of mistakes made by the network in recent years (Keenan Thompson on SNL is another that comes to mind), and NBC is clearly in need of a ratings boost.

 Enter: Luke Wilson on the Biggest Loser.

3) Luke Wilson wants to become the world's greatest belly flopper.

Everyone knows slim, hip actors make the worst belly floppers.  Luke Wilson is a competitor at heart (just ask Owen). Nothing will stop him on his quest to empy Lake Superior with his splash.  

2) Luke Wilson wants to support the arts in public schools.

The recession has wreacked havoc on state budgets across the nation, forcing legislators to make cuts. Unfortunately, education has been a victim of efforts to reduce spending, and, while infinitely more valuable to the development of a child's mind, the arts are often the first to go at schools trying to keep a football program going.  Aghast at the possibility of future generations unable to recreate the globe via paper mache, Luke Wilson decided to reinvent himself as "Luke Wilson: Molder of Minds".  He now spends his time, when not whoring himself to AT&T, visiting inner-city schools and lending his belly as a medium for children to paint a rendition of the Earth upon.

And now, the number one reason Luke Wilson has put on weight.

1) Luke Wilson wants to fuck Catherine Zeta-Jones.

She loves fat guys promoting cell phones.  He loved her in Chicago. Honestly, I wish I had thought of this first. Luke Wilson is a genius.

-WonderBread