Me too!

I am on Empire Avenue as well!


EAVB_SHAIMZVPCG

Holla atcho boy!

-Wonderbread

Empire Avenue

EAVB_GHDUPEDCHD

That's the code that the online social networking/virtual stock market site has asked me to place into a blog post to verify that I own this mother.

I've been pretty anxious to get in on this game.  I've been waiting a while indeed to be accepted into the beta, so I'm excited to start trading people... moreso than I do now.

The Destruction of the United States of America

On Friday, March 19, 2010, the United States House of Representatives passed a bill bringing unprecedented change to American healthcare by extending basic health coverage to more Americans than ever before; in a sense, establishing the foundation of a citizen's right to access basic health services without fear, obstruction, or discrimination. This has made many, many Americans happy.  Almost as happy as my dog, Steve:

As you can see, Steve suffers from a pre-existing condition known as toocutetobootitis, or, in layman's terms, "OOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPY!!!!!!!!!"  As a result, Steve has never been able to get insurance, and he has lived in constant fear of the strong stroke of a child sending him to the emergency room.  He used to tell me all the time, "WonderBread, I demand universal healthcare for dogs! I need to be covered! I am far too precious to go to Mexico for a basement operation by a damn chimicanguahah!"(Sorry, my dog's a racist)  If you were curious what a chihuahua surgeon might like, here is a guy I met in Tijuana who claims to be a doctor:

 
Now, I don't blame Steve for not wanting to have that guy perform surgery on him.  In fact, he's probably the last thing I'd want touching me with a scalpel, and trust me, there are plenty of things I want touching me with a scalpel (Hello, Scarlett Johansson!).  Unfortunately for Steve (and those other happy Americans), our politicians proved myopic once again.  In no way can this health care reform--let's call it Socialism--sustain this great nation.  It isn't just a violation of your Constitutional rights. It isn't just an unfeasible financial burden.  No, this bill is much more than that.  It is doomsday. Revelations. FUCKING ARMAGEDDON!

You see, friends, this healthcare bill is just the first in a chain of coming travesties.  Sure, it might seem fine at the moment; however, it will soon be summer.  Children will be playing, mother's making lemonade, father's mowing the lawn.  All of these activities take place outside.  Do you know what else takes place outside? Yeah, you guessed it: Skunk stink bombs!  Eventually, a boy and his dog will lose the tennis ball they were playing catch with, and the dog will go sniffing around in the bushes (hehe) for the ball.  Let's call this dog, I don't know, Rackba Bamao. Rackba Bamao will stumble upon a skunk, and that skunk will spray him.  Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal. The boy would simply give Rackba Bamao a tomato juice bath, and that will be that.  Unfortunately, the family of the boy is too poor from being forced into purchasing health insurance and cannot afford the tomato juice.  Sick of being stinky, Rackba Bamao does not take the matter lightly:

Soon, permanent skunk smell is stuck on many, many dogs with owners too poor for the insurance.  As a charismatic little pup, Rackba Bamao organizes these dogs into a liberating force aimed at destroying the recent legislation.  Since they are only dogs, they don't know how to do this legally, so they decide to take up arms:

Suddenly, the human race is fucked.  Dogs with guns? We don't stand a chance! Fortunately, we have a little help from our friends/enemy of the dog, the cat:

But it is of no use. The dogs are simply too powerful for the cat-human team, largely because cats are way too fucking crazy to be trusted with weapons (there are many friendly casualties in this affair).  The dogs rule the world. Humans are done, and its all thanks to our new healthcare bill.

Thank, Democrats.

-Wonderbread

Armageddon

Armageddon by Plain White T

Super Bowl Diary

Hey,

As promised, here is a recreation of the hand-written journal I kept yesterday. It alright, but I wish I had written a little more down. By the 4th quarter, I had pretty much lost all interest in writing about the game.  Predictably, my handwriting was chicken-scratch after half-time, and I managed to get wing sauce all over the paper, a copy of Sports Illustrated, shorts, and my leg.  It doesn't stop there, either; right before I went to bed, I started to eat pie straight from the pan with my hand. I was disgusted.

Anyway, here is the journal.

Unrequited Love: The Tale of Toucan Sam, Part 1

Hey,

Sorry I didn't get a post in yesterday; I was too lazy to hike up to the computer lab last night after doing some homework.  Your patience will not go unrewarded, however. As a condolance to your disappointment, I will do a very special post next Sunday.

If you were unaware, next Sunday is Super Bowl Sunday. For real sports fans, it is the greatest celebration of American sport and athleticism (I will talk about this later). This Sunday is a treasured day on my annual calendar, one in which I embrace sloth and gluttony with a happy drunken stupor. Any effort made on my part, therefore, must be worthwhile and consequential of a prior commitment.  It is out of this commitment to you, dear reader, that my I will put forth an effort on my most lethargic day of the year. For my post, I will record everything I do from the moment I wake up to my inevitable pass-out. I will then post my scribbling (or a summary of it) here Sunday night or, more likely, Monday.  I have no idea how it will turn out, but I'm sure there will be plenty of thought on hot wings, player mockery, and the Ranch Room.

Anyway, that was a bit winded.  If you follow the jump, you can find a weird note I found in my Froot Loops box.

-WonderBread

A Biographical Profile of Lucky the Leprechaun

  As we all know Lucky Charms are the second luckiest cereal in the world, right next to Rabbit Feet Sweets.  We aren't focusing on the cereal, though, we're here to talk about Lucky the Leprechaun.

  With humble beginnings as a Forest Sprite, Lucky quickly rose through the ranks of mythological creatures and even had a stint as a movie monster.  It was after Lucky Charms redesigned their box that they decided just a bowl without a mascot wouldn't quite work.  Lucky the Leprechaun was a sure fire thing with his name being Lucky and all, beating out other Lucky Charms mascot hopefuls such as Danny Bonaduce and Carrot Top.


  Lucky was a hit!  He was hocking multi-colored sugar and sweetened cardboard to children all across America.  Lucky Charms was so successful with their mascot that they increased their number of shapes periodically.  Rainbows in 1992, pots of gold in 1994, leprechaun hats in 1996, and a whole bunch of other shit that makes no fucking sense.

  Hard times eventually hit, though, and Lucky was forced to endorse the "Magic Door" marshmallow.  Lucky didn't feel like it would be fair to let children think that their milk could unlock doors, especially after several children were involved with locked magical door deaths.  As time passed Lucky had to promote other marshmallow shapes he felt didn't truly represent the Lucky Charm brand.  Some of these included:  a rabbits foot, ladybugs, and chinese red lanters.  The latter being mostly because of Lucky's racism towards the chinese.

  Hard times hit eventually, when Lucky was replaced by Lupe the Leprechaun.  Following allegations that he had been "murdering people for stealing his gold"   caused his television commercial career to never really begin.  This is when Lucky had to start doing infommercials.  Starting with the "Clam Wow!", a device which was used to perfectly boil clams and his most recent "Slap Mop" which involved releasing aggression during household cleaning.

  During his downfall, Lucky developed a drug and sex addiction.  The last anyone has heard of Lucky was his run in with a prostitute, in which there was a dispute over a pot of gold not being an acceptable form of currency.  This led to a physical altercation and both were arrested shortly after.  Photos of Lucky after the event were leaked.

  Nothing else has been heard of since his run in with the Pac-Man of hookers, but maybe, just maybe, this year will be his lucky year.

- PWT